Coaching social skills

Social skills need to be thoughtfully and explicitly taught just like any other skill. Sometimes as parents, we forget this and we think that our children should already know these things. Often we react to our children in an angry fashion because when they do something we think is socially unacceptable, it is a direct reflection on our parenting.

This most often just isn't the case. If our child isn't good at drawing, basketball, or music, we don't blame ourselves. Social skills are very much the same thing. Some children naturally have what we call a high social IQ or an SQ. Others just don't, and it is our job to coach them socially. Let me give you a few examples...

Children who struggle socially often have a high emotional IQ or EQ. They literally feel the emotions of others strongly and sometimes misinterpret those emotions to be directed at them. If someone is angry, they automatically assume that the person is angry with them. They internalize the other person's emotions, and take it personally. These students may also say things like, "No one likes me." or "I have no friends at school." These kiddos will almost always expect others to invite them to play before they'll join in a group. Sometimes they just assume that others don't want to play with them. They often project a victim-like mentality.

It is our job as parents to teach them how to join into a group. We also need to build them up and remind them how wonderful they are. Below are some specific ways to coach your child:

1.Teach your child about personal space. Many students with a low SQ have what I call a small personal space bubble. They get into other people's space without even knowing it. They often are told to "keep their hands to themselves" or to "quit hugging so much." We can help students by letting them know that everyone has a different sized personal space bubble, just like everyone has different eye colors or hair. Teach them that they have a smaller bubble and perhaps love to be touched more than others and that is OK. Let them know that they can get lots of hugs from you, but that not everyone needs or wants as many hugs as they do.

2. Teach your child to have a filter. Many students who struggle socially are accused of "talking too much." They sometimes feel that every thought that comes to them, needs to be shared with others. Teach them how to gage the difference between a really close friend and an acquaintance. (Often these children cannot tell the difference) Help them to understand that "oversharing", can be dangerous and can often cause them to struggle socially.

3. Coach your child how to control his/her emotions. Sometimes these children will be called "dramatic" as their emotions come to them so strongly. Have them play a game called "big deal, little deal." Tell them that you are going to give them examples of things that are a big deal or not such a big deal and have them tell you the difference. For example, you may say, "Falling down and breaking your leg, is that a big deal or little deal?" or "Someone takes your pencil without asking, is that a big deal or little deal?" Teach them how to gage their emotions accordingly.

4.Help your child to understand that other's emotions are not necessarily directed at them. Coach them to not take everything personally.

5. Encourage a sense of self. We all want to belong, but we should never do so at the price of breaking rules or changing our personality.

6. Arrange play dates for your child so that they can practice social skills in a safe environment with just one other friend.

7. Have your child get involved with things that he/she is interested in. This will place your child in a place with others who have similar interests.