Helping Our Children To Own Their Mistakes

How is it that already as small children, our natural instinct is to lie when we make a mistake? We become afraid of being shamed or scolded. From the beginning of time, our very first story that was handed down to us was about passing the buck as we learned about Eve blaming the serpent when she tasted the forbidden fruit. If this is simply in our DNA, how can we get our children to admit their mistakes without damaging their self-esteems and making them feel shame and guilt? How can we help them to move on and realize that mistakes are just that-a mistake- nothing more, nothing less?

It is important to teach our children that a mistake is simply something to be corrected, changed and turned around. Guiding our children though the steps on how to do this promotes growth and a sense of moving forward. This is easily applied when a child makes a mistake that can be easily identified. For example, when I was in kindergarten, we were having snack and sitting in a large circle. The actual circle as I recall, was either taped or painted on the floor. Each one of us sat in our own special spot and had our milk and snack. On one particular morning, I accidently spilled my milk. My first reaction was to quickly get up and move so that my teacher wouldn’t know that it was me who spilled it. I was afraid, as many children are, to admit that I had made a mistake. Of course when my teacher returned to our circle, she asked who spilled. I wasn’t counting on my fellow classmates to be the ones to turn me in. 

I don’t remember that my teacher over-reacted, in fact I think that she simply told me to help her clean it up. I do remember feeling embarrassed and full of shame. What could she have said to make this a life lesson for me? Psychologists repeatedly encourage us to validate fellow human beings. We all have the need to feel that we are OK. As I was a pretty sensitive child, I required a hug and a “It’s ok, we all make mistakes sometimes. Let’s clean it up together.” Then afterwards with a gentle look and tone, she could have provided me the steps to know how to handle this in the future.

Step One: Admit your mistake. Say, “Oops, I had an accident. I’m sorry Mrs.____, I didn’t mean to, but I accidently spilled my milk.”

Step Two: Make it right by offering to help clean up the mess.

Step Three: Move on and feel good.

It is important that while we teach our children the steps, we also provide a script for them as I did above. Sometimes children do not know how to form the words to make it right. We want to teach them how to choose their words carefully in any instance of conflict. We also need to let our children know that this is a skill that requires practice.

Now there are other types of wrongs that we do that are not mistakes. These are intentional wrong doings. Our children sometimes make a decision to do something that they know they shouldn’t. For example, they make take a toy from another child, kick or hit, or refuse to do something that we tell them to do. In these instances, we simply add a step…

Step One: Admit our mistake

Step Two: Make it right

Step Three: Receive the consequence

Step Four: Move on and do better next time

OUR TURN:

In order to truly teach our children to own their mistakes, we of course must practice this as well. Our actions are, after all, our children’s best teacher. Therefore, whether it be in the office or at home we can practice admitting our mistakes, apologizing and making it right, and then moving on without guilt or shame. If we do an intentional wrong, such as speeding on the highway, we too must add that additional step of accepting the consequences.

Unlocking the Genius

Our children come to us as bright lights. In order to keep it that way, we need to make sure that we enhance their light and not squelch it. It is funny, because often times our fears get in the way. We all have fears--fear of not raising our children right, fear of not being a good parent, fear of making the mistakes our parents did, or our fear of "What will other's think?" Each of these fears get in the way of discovering the light in our children's eyes as well as the genius that is within them.

But what if this really isn't about us. What if our children are actually gifts for us? What if we already contain the keys within ourselves to unlock this very special gift? What if instead of trying to make our children be like us, we are really here to assist them in unlocking who God made them to be?

Within each of us are the keys to reach our child. I actually learned this from my students in the classroom, my own children, and the children here at Excel. They have taught me that I have within myself the keys to help them, and that when I learn how to help them, I better learn how to help myself. The ring to this whole keychain is presence. We must be present when we are working with children. If our minds are racing and we are thinking about our agenda, we will miss the opportunity to truly see the need at hand. Once we are present, we are able to be still, watch and listen. This must be done with an open mind of course and without judgment. For if we assume that we know our child's intention or message, and correct them for a behavior or concept that we perceive, we may miss the boat entirely.

Let me provide an example. One of my favorite things to do during the day is to go into one of our preschool classrooms and simply be present as the children interact with one another. When I am present, I simply watch, listen, and sometimes ask questions. These children inform me of their point of view and it truly enlightens me. I notice that our preschool teachers do the same thing. They realize that the more they step into their student's point of view and perspective, the better the opportunity they have to teach and guide their students. It is truly amazing.

I would absolutely love to hear the stories that you as parents and teachers have regarding this topic. What have you learned when you have stayed present in your home and/or classroom?

Understanding Intentions!

Sometimes our children do things with the best of intentions, but unfortunately their judgment is incorrect and/or misguided. As parents we have the opportunity to gently guide our children and teach them with love the correct way to react to a situation.

I learned this lesson when I was 9 years old and it has truly helped me as I parent and teach children. Even as a young child, I believed in the importance of honesty. I truly believed in letting people know what I really thought, and I greatly disliked when people said one thing to a person’s face, but then talked about them behind their back. It’s not that I didn’t sometimes do this, but then I felt obligated to eventually tell the person.

As you can see, there are some definite flaws in my theory, and this somewhat backfired on me when my sharing what I had heard greatly hurt one of my best friends. She went home and told her mom that I said that because she was an only child, she struggled with sharing. Her mother called the school and my teacher made me sit in for recess. I remember feeling very scared and confused. I knew in my heart that I would never never say anything to hurt my dear friend. I had simply shared with her what everyone was saying behind her back in an effort to help her improve her behavior. My teacher’s reaction was that of fear in that she didn’t want me to hurt others, yet that was never my intention. If my teacher would have taught me about how to filter my thoughts and choose gentle words to hone my communication skills, this would have been a beneficial life-long lesson for me.

The lesson that I learned that day was to make sure that I do listen. I need to hear my children’s intentions before I make a judgment statement as to what I think that they are thinking. This has helped me run a calmer home and classroom.

Online Reading Help

Parents and schools from across the country are discovering the impact that Excel Achievement's Reading tutoring has on their child.  Children who have struggled for years are able to read at grade level in just a few months. 

How does Excel Achievement Center do this?  Our specialized one-on-one curriculum is founded in sound research by the National Reading Panel as well as that done by the International Dyslexia Association.  Each child is assessed to find out the root cause of the reading difficulty, and then a specialized plan is drawn for that child and that child alone.  This type of an individualized program has proven results and Excel Achievement's reputation helps parents to feel assured that their child will not fall through the cracks, but instead will be taken care of.

Please call Angie or Stephanie at Excel Achievement Center to find out more details.  Excel Achievement is here to serve you and does not believe in high pressure sales techniques. 605-988-0900.

How Well Does Your Child Control Emotions?

We’ve all been there. Just as we are about to leave one of the Super Stores, our child spots a toy or item that he/she simply must have. Even though we are tired (maybe even exhausted), we gently tell our child that “No” they cannot have that item today. Our child gives one more plea, and upon our consistent response of “No”, goes into a meltdown of catastrophic proportions. You know this because of the way the store clerks and other customers are looking at you…. SOUND FAMILIAR?

Even the best of parents have moments that they are at a loss of knowing what to do. Today’s tip is on helping us to get into the minds of our children so that we can better coach them on how to control their emotions.

Tip One: Never coach your child in the middle of a meltdown. When a child is in this frame of mind, they are all emotion and very little logic. Now is not the time to give instruction. As in the about scenario, it is best to simply remove them from the store and drive home quietly. (Well, you will be quiet, your child will probably be screaming.) Once you are at home, have your child go to a quiet place such as their room to calm down. Most children will need to be left alone, but some children absolutely will need you to sit with them as they deregulate through their emotions.

Tip Two: Remember that we all are born with varying degrees of emotional intelligence. Some of our children learn how to regulate emotions quickly, while others will need you to coach them over and over again.

Tip Three: There are three words to remember while coaching your child through his/her emotions: PATIENCE, PRESENCE, AND PEACE! It is imperative that we, as the adult in our child’s life, stay calm and demonstrate that our emotions are in control. I realize that this is very difficult while your child is throwing a tantrum, hitting, or running around-- but we do need to model the correct emotional behavior. Having the patience to stay present with your child, and really try to see what caused the reaction in the first place is also important. As adults, we like to assume or assess their behavior based on what we think they are thinking. Sometimes, we are very wrong. For example, just this morning a little girl in one of our preschool rooms impulsively ran over and hit one of the new children who walked into the room. She wasn’t angry at all with this child, she was just overwhelmed with the emotion of excitement. Instead of shaming her, her teacher simply verified her feelings and then coached her. It went something like this. “Suzy, I can tell you are so excited that Ellie is here today. I’m excited too and I have all sorts of feelings about that. When we get that excited, let’s jump up and down next time or clap our hands. We can’t hit Ellie because that hurts her. “ Then she had the student apologize to her friend. Finally, before returning to play, she had the student repeat back to her what she will do next time.

Raising and teaching children is extremely rewarding when we watch and listen very carefully to them. Putting ourselves in the role of a coach or teacher, versus a stern disciplinarian gives us more positive energy as well. For further information on helping your child develop emotionally, I recommend reading: Building Emotional Intelligence by Linda Lantieri.

Are We Listening?

The one thing that students have taught me is that they will tell me what they need. The question is, am I listening? As parents and teachers, we desire the best for our children, and yet sometimes, even though we have the best of intentions, we cannot hear what our children are trying to tell us. Here are a few examples of what sometimes happens:

Preconceived ideas: Sometimes when our children say one thing, we hear another. For example, when our child says, “I can’t do this, this is too hard for me.” We hear, “I’m lazy and I don’t feel like trying.” Thus we say, “You can do this, you just need to try harder!” Or perhaps they say, “Slow down, you or going too fast!” and we hear, “I’m not paying attention.” So we say, “You just need to pay better attention!”

Our Past: Many times our expectations are built on what works for us or on how our teachers and/or parents taught us. For example, if we need quiet when we study and our child tells us that they need noise to focus, we discount what they are saying because we cannot relate.

Fear: Because we love our children so much and desire for them to be reach their fullest potential, we sometimes are afraid that we are not doing the right thing. The one thing that I know for sure is that if I make a decision out of fear, it will end up not being a good one. For example, when our children come home with a poor grade, we sometimes over react because we are so fearful that they will do it again or that it is our fault. A better suggestion would be to help our children problem solve a solution. For example, do they need to ask their teacher for extra help, should they in the future ask questions right away when they don’t understand something?

When our children feel heard and their feelings are validated, they feel safe. We know that safe children have strong self-esteems, confidence, and strong problem solving abilities. These are all great reasons to motivate us as parents and educators to listen to our children.

The Myth of Reading Difficulties

If you have a child who is somewhat behind in reading, you may have heard some of the following myths. Today's tip will present the facts to dispel these myths.

1. If you just keep reading aloud to your child, they will catch on. Reading out loud to your child will create a love of books and stories. It can also be used to teach comprehension skills. It does not however give your child the tools that are necessary to learn decoding. The National Reading Panel has stated that children must have systematic instruction in both phonemic awareness (the awareness of sounds), and phonics.

2. IQ and reading difficulties are closely related. This is simply not true! In fact, in order to have a diagnosis of dyslexia, your child must have an average to above average IQ. Many children who struggle with reading are extremely intelligent and thus are very frustrated when they cannot catch on to reading.

3. Practice always makes perfect. This is true if your child is practicing the correct skill. So often we have our children practicing on a skill that they are not ready for. For example, I see many parents and teachers working on fluency with a child who struggles with the more foundational skills of phonemic awareness and phonics. Fluency is the highest skill in the reading pyramid, and it is imperative that the more foundational skills are covered first.

4. One-size fits all. This is definitely a myth! While there are many great reading curriculums out there, it is imperative that we find the root cause of child's reading difficulty before we decide on the curriculum. If the child is struggling with phonemic awareness and phonics, we know that there is an auditory processing deficit. If they are skipping words on the page, inserting letters, and/or flipping letters while reading, we know that it is a visual processing difficulty. If a child struggles to remember what he/she has read, struggles with writing, and has difficulties with tests, we know that this is a language processing problem. Different curriculums and programs work on different brain functions. It is important to use the right curriculum that will intervene with the deficit at hand.

5. Your child will outgrow the reading difficulty. Children do not outgrow reading problems...they adjust to them. Small children will memorize text, older children will listen more intently so that they don't have to read. Some will laboriously push through their reading assignments, but it is long and tedious for them. It is very important to find the root cause of a reading difficulty and then treat it with the correct intervention.

Excel Achievement specializes in helping children to discover the genius within themselves by correctly identifying the root cause of a reading difficulty as well as helping them to find out their own unique learning style.

Seek First to Understand

Everyone desires to feel important, to know that they matter, and to prove that they too have something to contribute to this planet.  Our children are the same.  Sometimes our children will even compare themselves to others to let us know who they are.  They may say, “I’m just like so and so because we both like to play hockey.”  Or they may say, “I’m nothing like my sister Suzy, she likes to read all the time and I don’t.”

As parents and teachers, our goal is to help our children grow into their best selves.  We want them to contribute great things to the world around them.  Unfortunately, we sometimes forget that our children are not just a younger version of ourselves.  They are their own person.  Here are some questions we can ask ourselves when looking at how we perceive our children/students:

·         Is it OK with us if our children like different music and/or activities?

·         Are their social habits different from ours? (More social/less social)

·         Do they perceive the world differently than we do? (Glass half full/ half empty)

·         Do they have more or less emotional needs than we do?

·         Do they need more or less processing time than we do?

·         Are their study habits different from ours?

 In his book, Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, Stephen Covey introduces us to the principle, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”   I have found this principle to be extremely helpful both as a mother and a teacher.  As a mother, I have learned that it cannot be “my way or the high way.”  If I have this attitude, I miss out on an opportunity to learn and grow, and my child soon learns that his/her perspective is not valued.  As a teacher, I have learned that my approach isn’t necessarily the best approach to learning, and that I can stunt a student’s growth if I push my ways on him/her.  Here is what I know for sure:

·         Watch, wait and listen!  When a student is struggling at Excel Achievement Center, I will go and watch the student—not the teacher.  I look at the student’s body language and listen intently to what they say.  I try to seek out the portion or the steps of the lesson that are missing for the child, so that the teacher can better fill in the gaps. 

·         Children will tell you what they need. The great poet Maya Angelou has said, “When people tell you who they are, believe them.”  This is so true!  When a child says, “I don’t get it!”  The worst thing we can say is, “Of course you do, you just need to try harder.” or “Well, you just need to listen!”  Instead we must say, “Thanks so much for telling me.  Let me try to explain it in another way.” After all, isn’t that what teaching is all about? J

As we open up our minds and hearts to our children’s specific needs, we are not only more available to them, but we gain the opportunity to grow ourselves.

The Art of Communication

Communication is defined as a process by which we assign and convey meaning in an attempt to create shared understanding. The key words here are, "shared understanding." As parents and teachers, we continually are working to help our children grow into the best version of themselves possible by communicating with them. We are also continually working to connect and get to know our children. Today's tip will focus on effective communication techniques to ensure that shared understanding is the ultimate goal.

Listening: Much research has been done on the importance of active listening. This can be accomplished by validating what someone is saying without making judgement statements or putting words in their mouth. For example, when our child comes home and says, "I'm so stupid! I hate English class and I hate my teacher!" It is far better to say, "Wow! Today must have been a tough day, tell me about it." than saying, "You are not stupid and I don't like you talking about your teacher that way." If we first allow our children to express what they are truly feeling, we can help them get to the root of the problem and then guide them to find solutions. As we do this with our children, our children in turn can learn effective listening and validating skills as well.

Observing: Watching our child's body language can help us to understand how they are truly feeling. What sometimes comes across as anger could be sadness, lonliness or fear.
Questioning: Asking clarifying questions can help us to understand what our children are truly saying instead of perhaps what we are perceiving them to say. I have watched children look very confused when a parent or teacher starts accusing them of thinking something that never occured to them in the first place.

Analyzing and Evaluating: As sometimes our children say things that we don't like to hear, we may need to step away and analyze what they are trying to communicate. This is often done more effectively if emotions are not involved. I have found that as both a mother and a teacher, sometimes I will need to reach out and get other's opinions on things. I may seek out a counselor's advice, research information on the internet, or simply speak with other parents or teachers that I respect. The more solid information we have, the better will be able to help our children.

Confronting: Sometimes it is very necessary to confront our children on certain behaviors. When doing this, there are a few things to keep in mind...

1. Remember never to go into a confrontation angry.

2. Have a soft entry by simply stating the fact that we need to sit down and talk about a behavior we aren't happy about.

3. Brainstorm a plan together as to how to correct the behavior. This empowers our children to be better problem solvers and to take responsibilty for improving themselves.

4. Follow up with our children and check on the progress being made.

The Power of Praise

As parents and teachers, we already know how important it is to give our children positive feedback. While praise is very important, many of us may not know that there are types of praise that can actually be harmful to our children. Today's tip will focus on how to effectively praise our children and the research that supports this.
Recent studies points out the power that specific praise has on our children. (Henderlong/Lepper 2002; Kamins/ Dweck 1999; and Mueller/Dweck 1998) These studies point out that we need to be sincere and specific with our praise. Insincere praise can make our children feel that we feel sorry for them or that we are trying to manipulate them. Other points to consider when we praise our children are:

1. Praise kids only for traits they have the power to change. For example, one study showed that children who were praised for their intellect gave up more quickly than those who were praised for effort. They felt that if they didn't understand something, they must just not be smart anymore. An example of this type of praise is, "Wow, that's a really good score. You must be smart at this."

On the flip side, students who were praised for effort worked harder. An example of this type of praise would be, "Wow, that's a really good score. You must have worked really hard." Another example would be, "That was a very difficult project, but you did it one step at a time and it turned out great!"

2. Use descriptive praise that conveys realistic, attainable standards. Instead of simply making a judgment with our praise such as, "Good job!" It is better to praise for what our children do specifically right, "I like the way that used new words in your writing today."

3. Be careful about praising kids for doing what they already love to do. For example, if Suzy's mom constantly praises her for liking her vegetables, Suzy may question whether or not she should like them.

4. Encourage kids to focus on mastering skills-not on comparing themselves to others. When our children decide that the goal is to outperform other kids, they lack the intrinsic motivation to continue to succeed when others aren't around. Social comparison can also build insecurity in our children.

Some great articles to further understand how to effectively praise our children are:

http://www.parentingscience.com/effects-of-praise.html
http://www.nais.org/publications/ismagazinearticle.cfm?ItemNumber=150509
http://www.nais.org/publications/ismagazinearticle.cfm?itemNumber=150439