Helping Our Children To Own Their Mistakes

How is it that already as small children, our natural instinct is to lie when we make a mistake? We become afraid of being shamed or scolded. From the beginning of time, our very first story that was handed down to us was about passing the buck as we learned about Eve blaming the serpent when she tasted the forbidden fruit. If this is simply in our DNA, how can we get our children to admit their mistakes without damaging their self-esteems and making them feel shame and guilt? How can we help them to move on and realize that mistakes are just that-a mistake- nothing more, nothing less?

It is important to teach our children that a mistake is simply something to be corrected, changed and turned around. Guiding our children though the steps on how to do this promotes growth and a sense of moving forward. This is easily applied when a child makes a mistake that can be easily identified. For example, when I was in kindergarten, we were having snack and sitting in a large circle. The actual circle as I recall, was either taped or painted on the floor. Each one of us sat in our own special spot and had our milk and snack. On one particular morning, I accidently spilled my milk. My first reaction was to quickly get up and move so that my teacher wouldn’t know that it was me who spilled it. I was afraid, as many children are, to admit that I had made a mistake. Of course when my teacher returned to our circle, she asked who spilled. I wasn’t counting on my fellow classmates to be the ones to turn me in. 

I don’t remember that my teacher over-reacted, in fact I think that she simply told me to help her clean it up. I do remember feeling embarrassed and full of shame. What could she have said to make this a life lesson for me? Psychologists repeatedly encourage us to validate fellow human beings. We all have the need to feel that we are OK. As I was a pretty sensitive child, I required a hug and a “It’s ok, we all make mistakes sometimes. Let’s clean it up together.” Then afterwards with a gentle look and tone, she could have provided me the steps to know how to handle this in the future.

Step One: Admit your mistake. Say, “Oops, I had an accident. I’m sorry Mrs.____, I didn’t mean to, but I accidently spilled my milk.”

Step Two: Make it right by offering to help clean up the mess.

Step Three: Move on and feel good.

It is important that while we teach our children the steps, we also provide a script for them as I did above. Sometimes children do not know how to form the words to make it right. We want to teach them how to choose their words carefully in any instance of conflict. We also need to let our children know that this is a skill that requires practice.

Now there are other types of wrongs that we do that are not mistakes. These are intentional wrong doings. Our children sometimes make a decision to do something that they know they shouldn’t. For example, they make take a toy from another child, kick or hit, or refuse to do something that we tell them to do. In these instances, we simply add a step…

Step One: Admit our mistake

Step Two: Make it right

Step Three: Receive the consequence

Step Four: Move on and do better next time

OUR TURN:

In order to truly teach our children to own their mistakes, we of course must practice this as well. Our actions are, after all, our children’s best teacher. Therefore, whether it be in the office or at home we can practice admitting our mistakes, apologizing and making it right, and then moving on without guilt or shame. If we do an intentional wrong, such as speeding on the highway, we too must add that additional step of accepting the consequences.