How Well Does Your Child Control Emotions?

We’ve all been there. Just as we are about to leave one of the Super Stores, our child spots a toy or item that he/she simply must have. Even though we are tired (maybe even exhausted), we gently tell our child that “No” they cannot have that item today. Our child gives one more plea, and upon our consistent response of “No”, goes into a meltdown of catastrophic proportions. You know this because of the way the store clerks and other customers are looking at you…. SOUND FAMILIAR?

Even the best of parents have moments that they are at a loss of knowing what to do. Today’s tip is on helping us to get into the minds of our children so that we can better coach them on how to control their emotions.

Tip One: Never coach your child in the middle of a meltdown. When a child is in this frame of mind, they are all emotion and very little logic. Now is not the time to give instruction. As in the about scenario, it is best to simply remove them from the store and drive home quietly. (Well, you will be quiet, your child will probably be screaming.) Once you are at home, have your child go to a quiet place such as their room to calm down. Most children will need to be left alone, but some children absolutely will need you to sit with them as they deregulate through their emotions.

Tip Two: Remember that we all are born with varying degrees of emotional intelligence. Some of our children learn how to regulate emotions quickly, while others will need you to coach them over and over again.

Tip Three: There are three words to remember while coaching your child through his/her emotions: PATIENCE, PRESENCE, AND PEACE! It is imperative that we, as the adult in our child’s life, stay calm and demonstrate that our emotions are in control. I realize that this is very difficult while your child is throwing a tantrum, hitting, or running around-- but we do need to model the correct emotional behavior. Having the patience to stay present with your child, and really try to see what caused the reaction in the first place is also important. As adults, we like to assume or assess their behavior based on what we think they are thinking. Sometimes, we are very wrong. For example, just this morning a little girl in one of our preschool rooms impulsively ran over and hit one of the new children who walked into the room. She wasn’t angry at all with this child, she was just overwhelmed with the emotion of excitement. Instead of shaming her, her teacher simply verified her feelings and then coached her. It went something like this. “Suzy, I can tell you are so excited that Ellie is here today. I’m excited too and I have all sorts of feelings about that. When we get that excited, let’s jump up and down next time or clap our hands. We can’t hit Ellie because that hurts her. “ Then she had the student apologize to her friend. Finally, before returning to play, she had the student repeat back to her what she will do next time.

Raising and teaching children is extremely rewarding when we watch and listen very carefully to them. Putting ourselves in the role of a coach or teacher, versus a stern disciplinarian gives us more positive energy as well. For further information on helping your child develop emotionally, I recommend reading: Building Emotional Intelligence by Linda Lantieri.